Must be Nice...
**I want to start this post by apologizing to any of my readers who have children. This post does not refer to you as you would never say any of this to me. I like your kids, I love my step-kid, this is just a random rant that I need to get off my chest. **
I hear this all the time, ending with all sorts of comments. "Must be nice to sleep past 6am on a weekend". "Must be nice to be able to go to [insert destination here]". "Must be nice to be able to buy [insert item here]". These comments are usually followed by: "The kids would never let me sleep that late" or "Sally has soccer this year, so we're saving for that".
I just have something to point out here. No where is there a law that says you have to have children. It's not a requirement, there are no "childless police", and and those of us who don't want kids aren't weirdo's. I have mad a conscious decision not to have kids. This was something DH and I talked about at length prior to getting engaged. I really never wanted them and he didn't want another one. (Also, I am sure that if at some point I would have changed my mind, he would not have denied me that experience. I have yet to have an urge that lasts more than a couple seconds.)
Lots of people ask me why I don't want kids. Honestly, I'm not sure. I like to sleep in. I am extraordinarily selfish. I like toys. I like vacations. Until about 5 years ago, I thought a dog would tie me down too much. I'm very lazy. I dislike suburbia. I would be a horrible example and I don't know, I guess I just knew I never wanted them.
Before some one comes in and tells me everything I am missing, or that I will never be fulfilled unless I reproduce, let me say something. Don't. I've heard it all. I think I lead a pretty fulfilling life and I don't think anyone else has the right to tell me what should make my life complete.
The other thing is at this stage in the game, I don't think we could afford a kid. Oddly, this isn't a consideration most people have prior to pumping one out, but I do. Sometimes I feel like it's hard enough to take care of myself. This is why I have a hard time getting excited when people tell me they are pregnant on "accident". WTF does that mean anyway?
The other argument that drives me completely insane is the "we wanted to try for a boy/girl" crap. This shouldn't come as a surprise to any one since I believe gender is a sham, but could you be more selfish? "I really just wanted some one with whom I could play catch." Um...am I the only one who has a problem with this statement. Even better is "Every one needs a daughter so they can see them get married".
The people I feel the worst for in this situation are my own parents, especially my mother. She really wanted to be a grandma. Sometimes I think that's the only reason that she had kids. We weren't easy and quite frankly I can't believe she had another one after me. Thankfully, there are a lot of people near her that keep having babies, so she has an endless supply of surrogate grandkids. And I think she finally understands that I stand firm in my decision.
4 comments:
+1. Seriously!!
My ex and I used to constantly get asked if our kid would be raised vegan. We weren't even really dating seriously, and they already had us in kid senarios. It totally sucks.
You meant to say that my kid is your favorite, though, right?
Years ago DH and I went to see Monsters Inc when it came out. We were the only people there without children (and of course a co-worker was there with his brood and saw us). So, she's good for that sort of thing.
THANK YOU. Couldn't have said it all better. Neither my identity, nor my self-worth are tied to whether I reproduce or not. I DO NOT need to so to feel I have "lived;" in fact, it's just the opposite. I aim to take care of ME and to take care of my DOGS and THAT IS ENOUGH. How dare anyone suggest otherwise. Wanna have kids? Fine. Go at it. But my body--and my life--are just fine without doing so. It is nothing short of insulting, condescending, and sexist to project upon a woman that she is "supposed" to give birth to something to be fulfilled. If you truly want to care for someone, cater to their every whim, nurture, and all that other rot, adopt a dog and do something good for the world. Those big brown (or blue) eyes gazing lovingly at you, thanking you for a good dinner or a sweet pat on the head will do wonders to "fulfill" you--and save a life at the same time.
I'm proud of you. As a mother, I know that motherhood is THE most selfless, all encompassing, life changing thing a person could undertake. If your heart and soul are not 150% into doing it and trying your damndest to do it well, then I would prefer you not do it all. Too many people go into parenthood without thinking about the consequences first or without taking the time to know themselves well enough to know what their limitations are. Children deserve to have parents who's eye's light up when they walk into the room. Not ones who consistently resent them for taking away their freedom. I applaud people like you who are introspective enough and take the time to understand how serious an undertaking parenthood is and then make the conscious decision that it's not for them.
On the other hand, don't be too hard on your mom friends (like me) who mutter a "must be nice.." here or there. We know that we had the choice to do what we're doing. That doesn't mean that it's easy. And it doesn't mean that we think you're lazy for not making the same choices we have. It just means that we're tired and maybe need a break from our beloved offspring, cause damn, they're draining and it means that maybe we are just a tad jealous of you for sleeping in.:)And sometimes it means that we're secretly kind of proud of ourselves for what good moms we are and are secretly wishing that someone else would notice that cause 2 year olds tend not to bust out with a "Hey, thanks for wiping my butt for the 37th time today with such patience and kindness, Mom!" But, we would never trade lives for a second or take back all the hours of sleep we lost if it meant that we had to give up the chubby little faces we wake up to every morning. To each his own. That's all I'm saying...:)
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